Day 2

I elbow Jakke in the face in my sleep and have a dream about Denmark. Kait dreams she's dating Dave Attell at the Burlington Mall. The stuff of nightmares. All we see driving through PA is pizza places and doctor's offices. I am informed that Pennsylvania is, in fact, 60% pizza.




Ohio is all farmlands and rust. Decrepit old houses and barns. It looks awfully familiar for someplace we've never been before. The World's Largest Apple Basket is FANNN-TASTIC. Its on like a basket compound. Basket enthusiasts. All baskets, all the time. The World's Largest Basket is unbelievable. Its the office building for whatever basket company owns the basket compound and apple basket. If I lived out there I would spend all my time in front of the World's Largest Basket. Bask in it.




In Columbus we see the World's Largest Gavel, the World's Largest Mortarboard Graduation Cap, and a sculpture that says "art," but if you look at it right two streetlights make it say "fart." Classy, I know.

We reach the following conclusion on the drive through Ohio: always check your basement. Does your significant other have a basement, workshop or other locked room? BREAK INTO IT.




We go to this field of giant stone ears of corn. It is more fun than any of us could have imagined. "You're just out back buttering the corn with a shovel, shaking your fist at the god damn giants." -K

We pass through Zanesville. Billy Zaneville? Imagine that. "Welcome to Zanesville - Population: More Than You, Dickhead." Billy Zane thinks you're gross.




Tommy Gobes calls and tells us to let him know when we get to the giant tampon outside the tampax factory. Hardy har har, Tommy Gobes.

We make a list of people besides Christopher Walken we think should have voices on the GPS. Bret Michaels is fantastically high on the list.

"HIIIYOOOO - take the exit to your left."
"Smokin' hot ladies bear right."
"Whatsa goin' ONNN - turn around."

Also high on the list are Jean Harlow, David Duchovney, Ben Franklin and Charlemange.





The World's Largest Hoseshoe Crab is ridiculous. Look at this crab. Its absurd. I love it. Its in a garden full of weird junk to take pictures with. There is also a jesus bus and a jesus cave out back.



Once in her life, Jakke would like to jump into a cab and yell "follow that car!"

I would like to jump into a cab and pull a Cary Grant - "Driver, i'm being followed - can you DO something about it?"

Kait says if she drove a cab she would LIVE for someone to jump into her cab and yell "follow that car." "Yes," she would say - "I have a turbo button for just such an occasion."





ROCK, FLAG and EAGLE!!!

We are trying to make it through the entire trip with Christipher Walken on the GPS just to prove that we can.

CW: When the time is suitable, turn around...
M: I bet at the end of the trip he's just going to tell us to kill ourselves.
J: When the time is suitable, put a plastic bag over your head...

Day 2 was pretty epic, we'll post Days 3 and 4 soon.

<3 Maeve Kait and Jakke

Recap: Day 1.

Big Jakke B and I are ready to go by 6am Sunday morning, but we can't raise Kait. By 7:15, we're pretty sure she's dead. We pop up to the rotary to get coffee. As we're pulling out of the parking lot, I ask "What if she got abducted?" "People or aliens?" Jakke asks. "People." She points to a rickedy old van - "That guy." "Exactly."

The van pulls out in front of us. His license plate says... GUTBOX. Whaaaaaat. Kaitlyn is dead. In a van.

Once we're on the road we drive to Scranton and listen to the themesong from the Office for 6 hours. We pass over the Hamilton Fish Bridge, where we took this a year and a half ago.




We go to Denny's Beer Barrell pub, the place that has haunted our dreams for over a year. Jakke tries to eat a 4 pound hamburger, because she is fearless. Absolutely fearless. I end up in the bathroom at the same time as the obnoxious woman who has been commenting on Jakke's burger. I look frantically around for a way to rig the door or otherwise trap her inside. I fail miserably.

We get lost at the same intersection we did last time we were there, when I drove us 3 hours in the wrong direction, into the middle of nowhere, because Pennsylvania renders me physically unable to read a map.

"Its like the road dissapears... we're driving to heaven, Jakke." -K

Christopher Walken dicks us around for a while. We drive to Punxatawney and take pictures with all sorts of giant groundhogs. Then Christopher Walken leads us blindly into Amish country. We spend what seems like hours dodging buggies. It is so dark out there. Church. Silo. Nothing. Pipes.

"Can we listen to Bon Jovi or just... something that isn't death metal?" -K

Drinking Kentucky Bourbon in Kentucky

It's only day 2 and we've battled a burger, almost killed several Amish people, seen more giant things in Ohio than anyone else in America, climbed several pieces of public art, stolen a hedgehog and made is all the way down to Kentucky. Maeve has kept detailed notes of the adventure, and tomorrow there will be pictures to illustrate.

Kick It

Our GPS has a Christopher Walken setting. So we've added a fourth member to the road trip. Today he took us through fucking amish country for no reason.

OOOOhhhhh Christopher, you devil you.

Backlog: PART DEUX - March 2007 (Day 1)

The greatest thing you will ever find behind a gas station. Mobile Chapel, Transport for Christ - Proclaiming a Dynamic Gospel to a Dynamic Industry. Whhhhaaaaaat.


Niagara Falls, NY. This is where Kait stole the spoon, so don't even bother looking for it.


World's Third Largest Virgin Mary. Located 1 mile into the woods in Dublin, Ohio, surrounded by roving, menacing packs of coyotes.

BACK INTO THE BELLY OF THE BEAST.

Thanksgiving 2007 - Two out of five of us threw up in a gas station after trying to eat a 4 lb. hamburger. Four out of fived vowed never again.



Tomorrow, Big Jakke B will decimate this burger.

Look out, Clearfield.

There's GHOSTS down there in the mine

We've added stops in PA to the trip.

t-minus 11 hours till departure.

Backlog: Adventure of the Century - January 2006.

Kaitlyn and I ventured dangerously close to the Mason-Dixon line to see dead babies in jars, schmooze with my brother in North Carolina, reclaim the important documents our friendship is based on, and plow through a gray jelly vortex on the New Jersey Turnpike.


Peds!

despair at the Super 8 Motel.

Drugs!

Stetsons!

All sorts of exited to be sleeping someplace without scabies or rapists!

We ended up with 1 out of 3: we got FAT GIRL SUCKED INTO VOID, but not PUPPIES! A WATERY GRAVE or the originals of the Don Johnson Haikus. We did, on the other hand, buy jiggily crayfish at a giant outlet store. So was it worth it? YAR IT WAS.