Day 7 - SHOWDOWN OR HOEDOWN?

Oh holy hell.

Big Jakke shakes me awake at 10am – the estimated time of our departure from D.C. before we went out and got schlitzed. I am fantastically confused, but from what I gather she has been hit with the severity of the fact that Peter Bayne is sleeping on her delicates. I can’t even live. I go back to sleep for 4 hours.

Kait wakes up. Kait is confused. She is repulsed by the idea that we’ve slept til 2pm on Day 7 and we’ll never get home. She is in a bad way. She wants to honk, but can’t! It’s like Wet Slab Cold Stuff all over again.

Alissa gets bagels. On Part Deux, Kait found us magic bagels in Dearborn, Michigan. They may have saved Jakke’s life. Kait braved all sorts of horrors to get them, like the guido outside of the Suit Palace who farted at her, as illustrated in the following diagram.

All of our hope is riding on Alissa’s bagels.

We think the bagel will cure her. It doesn’t. It neither helps her throw up nor makes her feel better. However, when she does throw up, she throws up AROUND the bagel. It was awesome. Must have been a magic bagel after all. I don’t know what kind of gypsy magic there is in roadtrip bagels, and I don’t care. Whatever it is it’s pretty boss.

Big J and I try desperately to retrace our steps back to where the car is parked. We get Christopher Walken to give us directions to the apartment, like 4 blocks away. I guess we just kind of missed him. I don’t know why but we did. The feeling didn’t last long, and we were telling him to shut the fuck up 30 seconds after we turned him on.

We leave! “I actually feel fine now,” Kait says. Within 10 minutes she is in a coma. In the backseat. For a number of hours. We brave the horrors of the New Jersey Turnpike. We see the World’s Second Largest Statue of the Virgin Mary, but don’t stop. It’s in Delaware, so it’s lame. We eat 47 bags of sun chips and spend the last four hours of the trip planning the next one.

“(sigh)...Suitcase, it just gets harder and harder.”

THE FINAL COUNT(DOWN)

WHITECASTLES: 11



WAFFLE HOUSES: 61



ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLES: 39

Giant shit we saw but were too boss to stop for: 1 giant pony (Kentucky), 1 giant coke bottle (Kentucky), 6 giant crosses (Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee), 1 giant hot air balloon (Georgia), 1 giant milkshake and fries (Georgia), 1 giant gorilla (Virginia), 1 giant circus elephant (Virginia), World’s 2^nd Largest Statue of the Virgin Mary (Delaware), 4,000 abandoned farms (Ohio), and 1,568 excessive displays of American pride (Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia).

<3